just another train of thoughts...

Why is it that dreams collapse??? It hurts a lot you see... To know your heart has kind of turned upside down and then wrenched out of your chest and then been hammered to bits and pieces right in front of your eyes! It is sad to come to know that the person whom you trusted doesn't trust you any more... That maybe you also don't trust him. Maybe your heart is too big to love just one person and that it isn't right to do that either!!! Is it right that your heart is too large to love just one person... Why is it that I cannot do just this? It is saddening right??
To think that the guy you thought was your life thinks of you in not so good a tone is in itself heart breaking... but to think you'll lose that one guy who was both your best friend and much much more is crushing...

There was this one guy whom I loved so differently I couldn't understand it at all! It's saddening it's to come to an end. I loved this guy with a passion. You know, when one gets angry there's this rush of energy, of adrenaline coursing through your body... Imagine that same force and spirit when you are loving that person. That same vigor, only thing it is not in anger, but rather in love that you feel all this. Till now, I'd always known love to be calm, relaxing and loving. But knowing this guy made my heart pump blood faster, my brain numb and me just doing whatever my instincts tell me! And to think whatever I'd done shouldn't have been done. To love and then lose is BAD, trust me. I know. That loser feeling is hurtful, losing all of one's self confidence is annihilating. What can I say? Love of the anger kind is just there to bring tears later... Tears of sadness and devastation...
Love of the anger kind is just like anger. Anger burns the person who has it more than the person to whom it is directed. So is this love. This fire which you kindle for the other person burns you more than him...

...

I saw him, standing there as if he did not care for the world... I saw him look as if he did not give a damn; but all I could think of was how much I cared for him. He was someone who had come into my life as a friend, and had taken it by storm. Maybe he didn't see it; but I knew it! Seeing him was like having one's dose of opium! Now I just couldn't live without one look of him a day.

He was one of my best friends; he was becoming more and more to me day by day and I couldn't do anything about it. Why was that??? How is it that he had so much of power over me? I don't want him to have that spell over me...

And I needed to do something about it! FAST! ASAP!

That day I saw him again. Leaning against the school brick wall; he looked perfect against the contrast of the paint-peeling walls. Something took hold of me; took me to him… he looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. We didn't talk because I didn't know what to talk. I guess he knew that and so we stood right there.

But this time it was different. I needed to do something. As he turned around to one side, I leaned over and kissed him on his cheek. I still remember the exact moment. It seemed so predestined. Though I wore just a light lip balm, I felt as if I could see my lip impression on his cheeks. His cheeks, I felt, had attained a glow. I got all the more crazy. I felt my kiss had made him look so much livelier and more alive... How stupid it would have sounded to him if I told him that... His short wavy hair in the breeze was beautiful… and me, I stood there petrified; because neither did he move or say anything. He stood there as if nothing had happened. Oh shit! I shouldn't have kissed him… Now I couldn't take it back… oh no…

At last, after what seemed like a life time, he turned around and I asked him, stuttered rather, "Did I do something wrong?" And he in his usual style, answered in a monosyllable, "No". How I wished he said something more, but I loved him for exactly this. His 'no' meant I wasn't wrong in liking him so much… he didn't make me feel overtly stupid or overtly happy. It was as if it was always like this. Well, now I was being stupid. This was as it always was… Maybe, this was exactly how our relation was. Maybe it wasn't just friendship; I'd just thought it was so. How stupid I was.

That day, he never left me alone. He came with me wherever I went. We were together. We had lunch together; I never knew lunch could be so satisfying. I could see him around me, that whole day; wherever I went. Before this, I'd never seen him anywhere I went. I saw him only in our classes or occasionally at the canteen. But now on the corridors, the canteen, the same bench as me… I was so happy… he liked me too.

He accepted me with that silence and I did the same to him. But that did not mean we did not talk mind numbing stupidity that everyone is into. We did talk about movies and politics; about the quality of education and all that. But right now we were protected by that sweet silence; that silence of promise and hope. I was happy. My love was my own.

Now whenever I look at him, I feel proud of that perfectly abnormal guy, who is mine forever; proud of the sweet, non-talkative, happy and thoughtful friend of mine; proud of the person I loved so much… my love, my life.

That day, during lunch, we had the longest talk we would ever have. It was as if there was so much unsaid, unspoken… all of it rolled out… He told me how much he loved me; had always loved me. He did talk a lot! Never did I know he could talk at a stretch so much; that too stuff which meant a lot to me. He said he loved me; he said he'd always loved me. He just didn't want the friendship to be lost. He said that he was scared that if he said anything about loving me, he'd not just lose his love, but also my friendship. How was I to know all this! But I guess all's well that ends well… After all I am with him… at last, without losing either the friendship or the love!!! Now I had both his affection and love, didn't I???